Turn a bug into a feature. Sometimes that's the only way forward when it's all downhill from here.

It's not a primary Eastern style but some people advertise the health issues they inhabit as an identity signifier. I don't like to even risk emitting the smell of fishing for sympathy, so I'm not known to say "I'm someone with XXX".

However some social interactions carry expectations. When expectations need adjustments, disclosure is called for.

So there was no post last week when I was hit by a flu the size of a heavy dragon punch. For some reason that spilled into blocking me from falling asleep. This blockage is total and decisive. The mind won't go unconscious even after an intense sport session.

At this point I need to pick an approach. I can be merely someone who has insomnia, or I can own it and be an insomniac.

Someone who just has a condition stands the chance of losing the problem. He is still largely the same person, only with an extra issue attached. Implicitly there's always the hope of shaking it someday.

Here's the thing with hope: hope kills. Hope sets you up with expectations that holds you back from seeing reality.

An insomniac doesn't carry hope. He owns the conditions. Insomnia isn't just a part of him, he is insomnia. Losing insomnia amounts to suicide.

Enough time has passed that I have to consider the possibility that this is a permanent state of affair. If you know me in person, so should you.

As a bug, insomnia brings out these downsides:

• Lowered psychic energy
• Lowered intensity in the eyes; as if I'm about to dose off any time
• Slower real-time reactions
• Poorer hand-eye coordinations; suck more at games and sports
• Poorer verbal skills; loss of mojo is the hardest to let go
• Heatier body; creating other health issues
• An ache at the back of the head at all time

But enough wallowing. There's an upside I can play with to turn this bug into a feature. The overall effect has some similarity to the state of drunkenness. There's a reason why drunken-fist is a thing to begin with: it's a style of total chaos, of unpredictability, unconstrained by structures.

In the state permanent sleepiness I get to be more creative, less inhibited, and best of all give less fuck.

Being able to care less might have to do with acceptance of a lowered capacity than a change in priority. Coming to terms with a less-abled hardward would force me to do less and focus more (in career and pursuits), something I already struggle with as it is.

The last thing I want to hear from people is "just do XXX and sleep lah", even if they mean well. In any domain, a person is only qualified to give advice insofar that he has experienced the issue to the similar extent. Just owning a brain doesn't make one a brain expert.