This is an excerpt of an interview someone had with me.

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Q: Let's discuss how to handle value divergence in relationships. You mention the increasing difficulty of finding people who share all our values as we age, and the unsustainability of cutting off everyone who disagrees with us. You propose three options:*

1. Cut off diverged people
2. Search for our people
3. Use diverged people as value reinforcer

Could you elaborate on the third option, "using diverged people as value reinforcers"? What does that look like in practice? How can disagreements and differing values be beneficial to our own growth?

Y.K.: These are people who grew to be very different from me. There's a good chance they've ended up in a place I do not want for myself.

The contrast would tell me what I truly value. It's indicative of what I've done right. Reinforcing value therefore means to affirm the choices I've made and continue on the right track.

Q: That's an interesting perspective. It seems you're suggesting that observing the negative outcomes of paths we didn't take can be just as valuable as observing the positive outcomes of the paths we did* take.

Following that line of thinking, how can we actively seek out these contrasts? Should we deliberately maintain relationships with people whose values have diverged from ours solely for this purpose? Or is it more about being observant of the world around us and recognizing these contrasts when they naturally arise?

Furthermore, you mention that this reinforces our own values. But what if observing these divergent paths leads us to question our own choices? How do we reconcile those doubts while still using these experiences as affirmations?

Y.K.: Being observant will do, I don't see the point of going out of your way to maintain relationships for anthropological reasons.

There's no guarantee that what you observe will be what you like. Perhaps you'll experience envy as result and question your path. That's in fact an opportunity to use these as data to examine your envies and regrets. To know you're on the wrong path is good news, that means there's still time to adjust.

Q: It sounds like you're advocating for a mindful approach to observing these value divergences, not necessarily seeking them out, but recognizing and reflecting on them when they appear. It's a nuanced approach that acknowledges the potential for both affirmation and doubt.

My question is: how do we strike the right balance between using these observations for self-affirmation and using them as triggers for self-reflection? Is there a framework for deciding when to lean into reinforcing our existing values and when to question them based on the contrasts we observe?

Also, you mention adjusting our path if we discover we're on the wrong track. At what point does it become too late to make significant changes? Is there an age or life stage where such adjustments become too costly or impractical?

Y.K.: If you end up doubting yourself all the time, perhaps you're hanging out with the wrong crowd. You should think of them as occasional poison to be microdosed from time to time.

But if you only hang out with people who agree with you all the time, there's no growth opportunity to be had.

I'm still learning this whole business. I haven't hit a point when it's too late to make significant changes. But I suspect if you've come far enough to accept certain innate weaknesses in yourself and is at peace with it, you'd be less inclined to fight it. If you're making a change that's too costly, you're probably picking the wrong battle of going against your nature.

Q: You're highlighting a delicate balancing act: surrounding ourselves with enough diversity of thought to stimulate growth, but not so much that it constantly undermines our confidence. It's a continuous process of navigating between affirmation and doubt, accepting our inherent nature while still striving for improvement.

You mention accepting innate weaknesses. Could you elaborate on what these weaknesses might look like and how we can differentiate them from areas where change is still possible? How do we determine when we're "fighting our nature" versus pushing ourselves towards healthy growth?

For example, you've mentioned a tendency towards introversion in the past. Would attempting to become more extroverted be an example of "picking the wrong battle** or a worthwhile pursuit of growth?

Y.K.: I think that's an example of picking the wrong battle (going with the belief that faking extroversion is unsustainable).

Conduct periodic reviews with yourself. Ask yourself what comes easier for than other people. What gives you energy; what drains you. Examine what's preventing you from having fun; look at what puts you in flow.

Generally you want to go towards the direction that gives you more flow.